Think about this — When communicating with others about a problem do you Seek First to Understand, or must you Make Your Point First?
Many years ago I read the book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen R. Covey. The book has since gone on to be a bestseller. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Seven_Habits_of_Highly_Effective_People
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People are:
1 – Be Proactive – taking initiative; responsibility for your own life; behavior based on conscious choice, based on values (rather than a product of their conditions, based on feeling)
2 – Begin with the End in Mind – start with a clear understanding of your destination, know where you’re going
3 – Put First Things First – putting things that matter most first
4 – Think Win/Win – seek mutual benefit in all human interactions
5 – Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood – emphatic communication
6 – Synergize – cooperation with others
7 – Sharpen the Saw – balanced self-renewal
A couple of the habits really stuck with me, like: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood, Begin with the End in Mind, and Sharpen the Saw. Since reading the book, and as I get older, I find I’ve become more understanding of people/situations. I try to understand why people do what they do. I make a conscious effort to try to see things from the other person’s perspective. I haven’t perfected this skill, but I’m still working at it. That doesn’t mean that I agree with them, or would do things the way they do. It’s just that I sometimes imagine being the other person. For instance, I might say, “If I was fearful, insecure, or whatever, I might behave the same way if I was the other person.” Remember the saying that goes something like, “Don’t judge another man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes.” It’s taking what you know about that person, trying to get inside their head. Sometimes you just have to believe that “it’s not about you.” We all have people in our lives that are close to us and need our understanding. And we need understanding from others as well. This means you will not immediately jump to conclusions. You will control yourself and not immediately fly off the handle in anger, or pout because your feelings are hurt. Try to really listen to what the other person has to say. Hear them out before you respond. Then state your side, or your point of view. This is especially helpful when dealing with your significant other. Why? Your significant other is the one person who really knows how to push your buttons. This will make for better communication and can help you remain calmer. This is not to say that you will never be angry or upset again — just that maybe you won’t react in a way that you’ll later regret. You’ll think before you speak. You won’t be so reactionary. You won’t be so quick to say or do things you wish you could take back. And you won’t waste your valuable time in some long, drawn out emotional funk. Call it relationship damage control. Take a few moments and think about your communication style. Do you seek first to understand, or to be understood first? Below are some links to videos and other info that talks more in-depth about the seven habits.
Empathic Listening
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ak4LZlw99ao
Intro to Seven Habits
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLXsiIXdLR0
For a more in-depth description of the book/seven habits:
https://www.stephencovey.com/7habits/7habits.php
http://www.quickmba.com/mgmt/7hab/
You know what’s funny about this, is that I immediately thought of my almost-3 year old.
With her, I always try to understand her first, and then be understood. Motherhood has taught me that sometimes (read: often) parents and kids are freaking out over totally different things, neither party bothering to understand the other. Now with children, it’s totally understandable that they not try to understand their parents. But with parents…we’re the adults, here. Shouldn’t we make that effort? (I sometimes have to be the “translator” between my husband and the kids, when they are having a disagreement over something.)
Which brings me to your post. (Get to the point, Kirwin!!)…
I always try to understand my children, but I don’t think I ever extend this courtesy to anyone else. Ever. Thank you for making me aware of something that I have never, ever considered.
Wow. Huh.
K: Thank you for taking the time to write this comment. Don’t know why we can be so understanding with our kids. There was a time when hubby and I seemed stuck in the communication cycle. Both of us were expressing how we felt about a situation, but neither one of us was applying any understanding. Eventually we did, and it made a world of difference. This is something that has to be done continually. It is so easy to just see what we want and our point of view — and just dismiss the other person’s thoughts, feelings and wants.
Love your blog. You are sharing wisdom that is invaluable these days. Thanks.
M: You’ve made my day! I’m so touched by your kind words that I’m practically speechless. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This means a lot. Take care, A.
[...] ago Stephen Covery wrote a book that I mentioned in an earlier post titled, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. In Habit #2 – Begin with the end in mind, he means to “begin today with the image, [...]