Humor — Smart Woman

Happy Friday!

A friend shared this bit of humor with me. Hope it makes you laugh too. Enjoy!

Smart Woman

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip – shopping, massages, facials.

Two days before the group is to leave Mary’s husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn’t going.

Mary’s friends are very upset that she can’t go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.

“Wow, how long have you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since last night……….. Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’”

I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over…………On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, “Now, you can do whatever you want.”

So here I am.




You might also like:
Marriage Humor – Cake or Bed
Marriage Advice and Humor
Humor – What a Woman Wants

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Humor — What A Woman Wants

Happy Friday! Here is the joke du jour. Enjoy!

—————————————————-

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with

her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely

sexy, middle-aged man, entered. He was so striking that the woman

could not take her eyes off him.




The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked

directly toward her –as most men would have. And before she could offer

her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her,

‘I’ll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how

kinky, for $20.00………on one condition.”




Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man

replied, ‘You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.’




The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly

removed a $20 bill from her purse. She then pressed the bill into the man’s

hand — along with her address, looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and

meaningfully said…

“Clean my house.”




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Halloween history and humor

Have you ever wondered how halloween got started, or why people go out “trick or treating”?

Here’s a little history on the origins of halloween along with some halloween humor.

Real Story of Halloween -Ancient Origins of Halloween:

Halloween’s origins date back to the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain (pronounced sow-in).

The Celts, who lived 2,000 years ago in the area that is now Ireland, the United Kingdom, and northern France, celebrated their new year on November 1. This day marked the end of summer and the harvest and the beginning of the dark, cold winter, a time of year that was often associated with human death. Celts believed that on the night before the new year, the boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead became blurred. Read more here: http://www.history.com/content/halloween/real-story-of-halloween




Halloween Comes To America:

As European immigrants came to America, they brought their varied Halloween customs with them. Because of the rigid Protestant belief systems that characterized early New England, celebration of Halloween in colonial times was extremely limited there.

It was much more common in…Read more here: http://www.history.com/content/halloween/real-story-of-halloween/halloween-comes-to-america




Today’s Traditions:
http://www.history.com/content/halloween/real-story-of-halloween/today-s-traditions

Around the World:
http://www.history.com/content/halloween/real-story-of-halloween/around-the-world

History of the Jack-O-Lantern:
http://www.history.com/content/halloween/the-jack-o-lantern/history-of-the-jack-o-lantern




Halloween Humor:

1 – Cabbie Kisses the Nun:

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”.

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull off to the side of the road, “maybe we will see what we can do.”

The nun plants a whopper of a kiss on the cabbie! But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

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2 -Costume Party:

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

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Marriage humor – Cake or Bed

Happy Friday!

What will you be doing this weekend? I think I’ll just do the “Betty Crocker” thing and bake a cake while hubby does some things on the “Honey-do” list. Just kidding. One of the things I love about my hubby is that he isn’t afraid to pick up a tool or take out the trash — unlike my father. My father was taking out the trash one day when his neighbor saw him and asked, “Is Lydia sick?” My father replied, “Yes, how did you know? I didn’t say anything.” Then the neighbor said, “Because you’re taking out the trash. And you never take out the trash, so I figure Lydia must be sick.” Well that’s my dad for you. We just love him for his other qualities. Whatever you do this weekend, I hope you enjoy yourself. Until next time, I’m leaving you with a little something I think will make you smile.

Cake or Bed:

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
“Honey,” she says, “Could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for several weeks now.”

He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the lights now…in the middle of this football game? No way.
Besides, does it look like I have General Electric written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Fine,” says the wife, and then she asks,
“Well, could you at least fix the fridge door? It won’t close right and I’m afraid the food inside is going to spoil.”

To which the husband replies, “Fix the fridge door now…in the middle of this play-off game? No way.
Besides, does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps leading up to the front door? They are about to break.”

“One, I’m not a carpenter and two, I would like to watch this game,” the husband says.
“Besides, does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so.
You know, I’ve had enough of you and your requests. I’m going to the bar where I can watch the football game without all these interruptions!!!”

So off he goes to the local bar, where he watches the remainder of the game
and drinks for several hours……….
After a while, however, he starts to feel guilty about how he has treated his wife, and he decides to return home.

As he approaches the house he notices that the steps leading up to the front door have been fixed.
Then, as he enters the house, he sees that the hall light is working.
And shortly thereafter when he goes to get a beer, he notices that the fridge door has also been fixed.

“Honey,” he calls to his wife, “How did all these things get fixed?”

“Well,” she said, “When you left I went outside, sat in a lawn chair, and cried.
As luck would have it, I wasn’t out there too long when the nicest young man came by and asked me what was wrong.
And I told him.

He, in turn, offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake.”

“So,” the husband said, “What kind of cake did you bake?”

To this the wife replied, “Hellooooo…do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?
I don’t think so!”

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Sunday humor

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied, “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”
The child thought about this for a moment then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!” While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please don’t shove me either!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married , she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem .. A small child replied, “They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, “Johnny, what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”
The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your Dad.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing!

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Friday humor – True Desires

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for
over 10 years, sees a speck on the horizon.

He thinks to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.” And, as the speck
gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a
small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerges from the surf a
wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the
top of the wet suit, there stands a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strides up to the stunned Irishman and says to
him,”Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?”

“Ten years,” replies the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on the
left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulls out a fresh package of hand-rolled Cuban cigars.

“Begorrah,” says the man, “That is so good, I’d almost forgotten how
great a smoke can be!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s
Irish Whiskey?” asks the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replies, “Ten years.”

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a
pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask and takes a long drink. “‘Tis nectar of the gods!” says the Irishman. ”Tis truly fantastic!!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde starts to slowly unzip the long
front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looks at the
trembling man and asks, “And how long has it been since you played
around?”

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman falls to his knees and sobs,
“Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in
there, too!

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Friday humor (4/17/09)

When is the last time you had a really good laugh? Since it’s Friday, I figured it was time to lighten up and not be so serious. It’s time to laugh! It is in that spirit that I’m sharing this bit of humor with you that someone sent to me. Hope it makes you laugh!

Don’t Fart in Bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, ‘Honey, you were right.’ ‘All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.’

‘What do you mean?’ asked his wife.

‘Well, you always told me that one day I would end up Farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

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