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Posts Tagged ‘Love’

“It’s hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does.”



Many of us have experienced the pain of a broken heart when a relationship comes to an end. One of the things we do to self-soothe is to sit, or lay in bed, while listening to our favorite “sad” love songs over and over and over again. And then one day, you just stop listening. How did you get over your breakup?


Recently someone very close to my heart broke up with their longtime love. They said the break up was mutual. This is/was their first love. I’ve been offering words of advice to help the person get through this painful time but I know that my words have only offered temporary relief from the pain and sadness. I know that things just have to run their course. This got me thinking… “How do you mend a broken heart? How do you get over a breakup? What lessons can we learn when a relationship comes to an end?” Now I’m not talking about the negative things we might say about the other person, like… he/she is just a jerk, cheater, insensitive, a**hole, too possessive, too jealous, too controlling, crazy, cheap, depressing, selfish, etc. What I mean is – “What does the end of a relationship show us/teach us about ourselves?” I’ve decided to explore this further and in the future will write some blog posts on this subject. For starters, I’d like your help in answering this…

How do you mend a broken heart? How do you get over a breakup?


When it comes to relationships and their ending, I think many of us have heard the saying…

“It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” – Alfred Lord Tennyson


But it sure doesn’t feel like it when you’re experiencing the pain of heartache/heartbreak. We feel the loss like we’re an addict going through withdrawal.

“Love is the hardest drug to quit, but it is even harder when it is taken away.” (author unknown)


Maybe you noticed that things were different between the two of you. You may have felt the person distancing themselves from you. You may have had a feeling that the end was near…



Or it happened suddenly…

“Breaking up. It happens kind of suddenly. One minute, you’re holding hands walking down the street, and the next minute, you’re lying on the floor crying and all the good CDs are missing.” – Kennedy Kasares


The pain is excruciating. You didn’t know you could hurt this much. You really want this pain to stop. Time goes by, it still hurts, and you think – ‘Is time really on my side?’ because…

“They say that time heals all wounds but all it’s done so far is give me more time to think about how much I miss you.” – Ezbeth Wilder



You’re obsessing over him/her and feel…


You know you can’t be friends …


But you’re hoping and praying he/she will come to his/her senses and realize…

“Ain’t No Sunshine” (by Bill Withers)


You just want to wake up from this nightmare. You want to hear your loved one say…

“Baby Come Back” (by Player)


OR

“Let’s Stay Together” (by Al Green)


Everyone says…

“If someone you love hurts you, cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.” – Anonymous

But even though you try you…

“Can’t Let Go” (by Mariah Carey)


Because you still believe …

“We Belong Together” (by Mariah Carey)


You know that …

“Living in the past causes you to miss out on the present. Life is too short to let it pass you by.”

But your heart is saying…

“I Still Believe” (by Brenda K. Starr)


Maybe you were the one who initiated the breakup, or maybe the breakup was mutual.


It may hurt, but just remember that no one is…

“Irreplaceable” (by Beyonce’)


Even so, at the end of the day all you really want to know is…

How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?



More on this topic in another post. One thing I do know for sure is…

You’re going to need some music therapy. If you’re a woman, you’ve got to sing the women’s national anthem many, many, many times!


“I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor


And eventually you will be singing this song…


Remember…

“No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends.”


What advice do you have for getting over a break up?



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To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.” –Brandi Snyder


“Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.” –Author unknown


“We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck. But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness.” –Ellen Goodman


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” –Rumi


“Lust fades, so you’d better be with someone who can stand you.” –Alan Zweibel and Jessie Nelson, The Story of Us


“All love shifts and changes. I don’t know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time.” –Julie Andrews


“Love is like a friendship caught on fire: In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.” –Bruce Lee


“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” — Eden Ahbez


“Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.” —-Erich Fromm


“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep… wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’ re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU… The one who turns to his friends and says, thats her… ” — Unknown


“There is no remedy for love but to love more.” –Henry David Thoreau


“The hardest-learned lesson: that people have only their kind of love to give, not our kind.” –Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960


“Love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image… otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” –Author Unknown


“Love is more than a noun — it is a verb; it is more than a feeling — it is caring, sharing, helping, sacrificing.” –William Arthur Ward


“A career is wonderful, but you can’t curl up with it on a cold night.” –Marilyn Monroe


“Love is not a feeling. Love is an action, an activity. . .Genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom. . . . love as the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth…..true love is an act of will that often transcends ephemeral feelings of love or cathexis, it is correct to say, ‘Love is as love does’.” –M. Scott Peck


Spread love everywhere you go:
first of all in your own home.
Give love to your children, to a wife
or husband, to a next-door neighbor.
–Mother Teresa

Happy Valentines Day!

What is one of your favorite “Love” quotes?


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You might also like:
Valentine’s Day history, poem and songs
What is Love?
What’s the Purpose of Relationships?

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Happy Valentine’s Day!

Ever wonder how Valentine’s Day got started?

Click on this link to find out the History of Valentine’s Day: http://www.history.com/content/valentine/

Today isn’t just Valentine’s Day — it’s also my wedding anniversary. My dear hubby can never forget this date. In the spirit of the day, here’s a poem on love and some love songs.

Love
by Roy Croft

I LOVE YOU,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.

I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can’t help
Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good,
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.

You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.


What are some of your favorite “love” songs? My favorite Valentine’s songs are Valentine, by Martina McBride, and My Funny Valentine.



What is the most romantic thing that has ever been done for you…or that you did for someone?

Hope everyone has a wonderful day!

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Quotes on Love

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Have you ever stopped to think about the purpose of relationships? Do you think they are just for our own enjoyment? Do you believe in soul mates?

Years ago I heard a phrase from a book that caught my attention. The name of the book was “The One: Finding Soul Mate Love and Making It Last,” by Kathy Freston. The book went on to become a New York Times best-seller and was re-titled as “The One: Discovering the Secrets of Soul Mate Love.” Here’s the phrase:

“No matter what the question, this is the answer: we are here in each other’s lives to facilitate in one another a higher state of consciousness. We are here to open each other’s eyes to God. We don’t talk about that; it certainly isn’t the spoken goal of most partnerships. But that is what is at play.”


I don’t really know the purpose of relationships but do believe we are here to grow.

Being the curious person that I am, I just had to go buy the book. So, if you haven’t realized it yet, there is no problem-free relationship. People seem to think that if they just find their “soul mate” they will live happily ever after without any relationship problems. According to Kathy, that isn’t the definition of a soulmate. This is a little bit of what Kathy had to say about soul mates and relationships:

“A soul mate reflects back to us that which is unhealed while testifying to what is already perfect. Soul mates provide different things at different times: sometimes a safe haven from which we can branch out and explore, and sometimes challenges that bring us to our knees. In every case, they help us as we make our way along the path leading to the innermost sanctum where Spirit resides.”

We need the challenge relationships provide by calling us out on our prejudices, and we need people – partners, friends, casual acquaintances, and even strangers – who will walk with us as we make our way to our soul’s potential.”

We want things to go smoothly, but it seems we need the challenges relationships present in order for us to grow.


Here’s some more food for thought from Kathy Freston:

“I realized that somewhere along the way, we as a society had lost sight of the truth. Instead of finding peace within ourselves, we looked for happiness in the form of another person, situation, or thing. We would work hard to “get” someone, but then the relationship would “fail.” Either the magic seemed to wear off or we never took the chance to commit to a partner because there might be a better deal just around the corner. Or, saddest of all, we suffered quietly in an unfulfilling marriage, dreaming of what might possibly set us free.”

“The challenge of finding and keeping a soul mate is the perfect impetus for our metaphysical maturation. Our love relationships bring us face to face with our demons, and we are willing to confront them and learn how to better ourselves because we want so badly to fulfill love’s magical promise. It is by using the experiences that arise within the context of partnership – both joyful and painful ones – that we come to embrace the enormous spiritual capacity that lies within us, making us capable of magnificent things, not only in the area of relationships, but in every area of life.”

“We can’t possibly know or dictate what will bring us our awakenings; no two people are exactly the same, and one soul certainly requires different lessons than the next. We simply have to rise to greet the occasions as they present themselves to us. The perfect set of conditions for bringing about your soul’s unfolding is always at hand, but you probably won’t recognize this while you’re going through it.”

Our spiritual task is to calm our overactive ego, to catch it when it starts climbing into the driver’s seat and tell it when to get back where it belongs. In terms of love relationships, we need to become more focused on treating our partners – or potential partners – with respect, honoring the fact that they have their own higher mind to follow and we have no right to push our personal agenda on their lives. We need to stop insisting on getting our own way and allow them to be who they are. We can make suggestions and we can express our opinions, but it gets us nowhere to insist on having things our own way. We can’t change anyone else; we can only work on changing ourselves.”

“Power struggles are a major problem in love relationships, and I have found that whenever a power struggle develops between partners, at least one of the following aspects of ego is at work: 1. The need to be right; 2. The need to be in control; 3. The need to be distracted; or 4. The need to feel superior or inferior.

1) The need to be right pits us against each other. When we are attached to being right, we feel compelled to defend ourselves at all costs. We don’t want to see the other person’s side of the story, because if we did, it might threaten the case we’ve built. So we dig in our heels, hoping to wear the other person down. We do this because deep down inside we feel small and afraid. The ego believes only one of us can win, so it’s fighting for its life.

If we were to take a more spiritual approach and recognize that the Spirit in me is the same Spirit in you, we would no longer need to be right. Rather than fearfully clinging to our smaller, more selfish agenda, we could shift our goal to finding common ground.

2) The need to be in control is the ego’s way of urging us to hold tightly to the reins if we want to be safe. We’d better put things in their place, including our partners, says the fearful voice inside us. When I get into control mode, it’s usually because I am scared that things won’t work out as I think they should, and that, at the end of the day, I won’t be okay.

3) The need to be distracted is the ego’s way of coping with the anxiety of going it alone. There is a tremendous amount of fear and pressure that goes with the belief that you have to figure everything out for yourself. When the responsibility becomes too much, the ego looks for distraction; it is a way of surviving. And in our society, there is no shortage of distraction from the deeper issues of our humanity. Sensational news, demanding work schedules, lifestyle pressures, sports events, e-mail, computer games: these are just a few of the stimuli that compete for our attention. And trumping all of these is the drama we can create in our relationships; nothing beats a good knock-down drag-out fight to get our mind off the gnawing fear that we can’t keep it all together. When we sweat the small stuff, we successfully distract ourselves from the larger anxiety that the ego maintains of being separate and alone in a big, scary world.

In other words, you may make a big deal about your husband coming home an hour later than he said he would, or lay into your wife for not running the household as well as you think she should, but really, deep down inside, you are just trying to distract yourself from the absolute terror of not being able to keep all the pieces of your life together. But you see, we are not meant to hold it all together; we are not the glue of life. Spirit is. We are at our best when we accept our role as co-creators with Spirit.

4) The need to be superior or inferior is the ego’s way of keeping us apart from each other by focusing on flaws. It plagues us with attacks of self-pity or delusions of grandeur that keep us from the fundamental truth that we are all created equally and from the same source. Because the ego has no awareness of our inherent Oneness, it sets us adrift on our narcissistic wanderings. Our sense of worth should never depend upon how much better or worse we are doing than someone else. Rather, it should be rooted in the knowledge that we are all created perfectly by God.

These four ego-driven needs present obstacles to our awareness of deep and unconditional love because they keep us focused on what’s wrong rather than what’s right. They drive us apart rather than bring us together. Each time you see one of these needs arise in your thoughts or actions, recognize it as a warning to relegate the ego to the backseat.

Ego may present us with many pitfalls, but it also has its benefits. It assists us in recognizing and celebrating our differences. We are unique, after all, and this uniqueness works in concert with our core spirituality. As we learn to coexist and enjoy the different qualities we all have, Spirit is renewed and expanded. Life becomes more textured and lovely.

The question is not whether ego is good or bad, but rather to what degree we allow it to rule our lives and relationships. Ego is an aspect of the mind that serves a purpose; we just can’t let it get out of hand. If we keep choosing to stay alert and awake to all the forces at work within us, we can create a well-balanced and soulful partnership.”


Here’s two good reads about the Ego:

Ego – The False Center

Edging God Out


About Kathy:

Kathy Freston is a health and wellness expert and a New York Times best-selling author. Her books include Quantum Wellness: A Practical and Spiritual Guide to Health and Happiness, The One: Discovering the Secrets of Soul Mate Love and Expect a Miracle: 7 Spiritual Steps to Finding the Right Relationship. Her newest book is THE QUANTUM WELLNESS CLEANSE: The 21 Day Essential Guide to Healing Your Body, Mind, and Spirit, (Weinstein Books). Dr. Mehmet Oz and Dr. Dean Ornish penned the introductions for her two latest books and her work has garnered accolades from such respected names as Dr. Andrew Weil, Dr. Neal Barnard, Marianne Williamson and Dr. Deepak Chopra. http://www.kathyfreston.com/

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“But if we have the energy of compassion and loving kindness in us, the people around us will be influenced by our way of being and living.” –Thich Nhat Hanh

Emotions, like germs, are easily transmissible. The trick is passing and receiving the right ones.

Just love this video. Hope you enjoy it too.

Research has found that emotions — both upbeat ones like enthusiasm and joy, and negative ones like sadness, fear and anger — are easily passed from person to person, often without either party’s realizing it. Emotional contagion occurs in a matter of milliseconds, says Elaine Hatfield, a professor of psychology at the University of Hawaii and co-author of “Emotional Contagion” (Cambridge University Press, 1994). If you’re the receiver, you may not know what exactly happened, just that you feel differently after the encounter than you did before. –excerpt from “That Look — It’s Catching,” Washington Post May 2006

“You can use your life in a very useful and intelligent way. You can very well transform that negative energy into a positive energy that empowers you and makes life meaningful.” –Thich Nhat Hanh

Love is Energy…..Pass it forward!

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Have you ever stopped to think about what your needs are in a relationship? Did you ever think they might be different from your mate?

Needs — what an interesting word. I used to be one of those people who didn’t even know that word when it came to a relationship. I knew I had “wants.” Well along comes this book “His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage,” by Willard F. Harley, Jr. to school me all about “needs” in a marriage. Finally, I felt validated. I wasn’t being selfish or unrealistic. The first time I saw the lists I thought I also wanted to add some of the things from the man’s list. What can I say…I’m a woman, and you know we want it all!

Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. is a psychologist and marriage counselor with more than 30 years of experience. This is what he had to say about his needs/her needs:

Excerpt from His Needs, Her Needs

“In my counseling experience, I have identified five basic needs men expect their wives to fulfill and five needs women expect their husbands to meet. Time and again these ten needs have surfaced as I have helped literally thousands of couples improve their troubled marriages. Although each individual may perceive his or her needs differently, the consistency with which these two sets of five categories have surfaced to explain marital problems impresses me.

The man’s five most basic needs in marriage tend to be:

1. Sexual fulfillment

2. Recreational companionship

3. An attractive spouse

4. Domestic support

5. Admiration

The woman’s five most basic needs in marriage tend to be:

1. Affection

2. Conversation

3. Honesty and openness

4. Financial support

5. Family commitment

These categories may not apply equally to everyone. Some men and women will look at their respective lists and say, quite honestly, “I don’t share this or that need.” Sometimes people will see things on the list of the opposite sex that will strike them as more applicable to themselves. Long experience has taught me, however, that the vast majority of each sex do agree that the needs I have listed are their deepest ones when it comes to the marriage relationship.”

“In marriages that fail to meet those needs, I have seen, strikingly and alarmingly, how consistently married people choose the same pattern to satisfy their unmet needs: the extramarital affair. People wander into affairs with astonishing regularity, in spite of whatever strong moral or religious convictions they may hold. Why? Once a spouse lacks fulfillment of any of the five needs, it creates a thirst that must be quenched. If changes do not take place within the marriage to care for that need, the individual will face the powerful temptation to fill it outside of marriage.”

Don’t shoot me if you don’t agree. I’m just the messenger. I do think this is something to think about. Yes, it’s easy for us to say that people cheat because “they want to.” However, I don’t think most people go into marriage with the idea of being unfaithful to their spouse. We may not like it, but maybe there is something to what Dr. Harley is saying.

About the Book – His Needs, Her Needs
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html

Read Chapter 1 of His Needs, Her Needs
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs-ch1.html

Emotional Needs Descriptions and Emotional Needs Questionnaire
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

Info on Dr. Harley
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi2000_meet.html

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“If you know what you want, you will recognize it when you see it.” –Bill Cosby

Here’s some food for thought when it comes to relationships and finding the right mate.

When we convince ourselves that we can’t find the right mate, we try to make the one we have into the one we want. There are two ways to do this. First, we need to see who we have and tell ourselves they are someone different. The other way is to try and fix what we have. Neither idea works. When we are not honest with ourselves about who our mate really is, we end up disillusioned and disappointed. It is not their fault, it is our own. We must be clear about what we want from a relationship whether it is social, business or intimate. Then we must make a decision to wait for exactly what we want. If who we have is not who we want, say so! It is not our job to change the other person. If we buy a pair of shoes and they do not fit, should we wear them and suffer or take them back to the store?

Iyanla Vanzant

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Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all prepared their boats and left.

Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment. When the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, “Richness, can you take me with you?” Richness answered, “No, I can’t. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you.”

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, “Vanity, please help me!” “I can’t help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat.” Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, “Sadness, let me go with you.” “Oh…. Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!”

Happiness passed by Love too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!

Suddenly, there was a voice, “Come Love, I will take you.” It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went his own way.

Love realized how much he owed the elder and asked Knowledge, another elder, “Who helped me?” “It was Time,” Knowledge answered. “Time?” asked Love. “But why did Time help me?” Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, “Because, only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is.”

Author Unknown

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Are you neglecting your spouse or significant other in some way? Many years ago a good friend of mine and I were having a conversation about relationships and people getting their needs met. He said, “There is always someone willing to do for you what your mate won’t do. People are only going to go but so long without getting their needs met before they find a way to get them met.” When it comes to sex he said, “Wives think that they are punishing their husbands by not having sex with them. Well, he’s only going to put up with that for so long. Just because the wife isn’t having sex with him doesn’t mean he’s not having sex with someone else. He’s going to get his needs met.” On the other hand I’ve known good women who have been vulnerable to someone other than their husband. Not for lack of sex, but for lack of the emotional stuff. What began as a friendship turned into something more. It eventually became love. They did not leave their spouses. This is just something for you to take into consideration when you think about how you treat your mate.

Marital Counseling:

A husband and wife went to counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

Remember this — A Clean up Man or a Clean up Woman could be out there waiting for your mate.

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Are you expressing your love to your mate, or do you leave them starving for it like you’ve got them on the Slim Fast diet plan? When they express a hurt that you’ve caused do you take ownership of it, or do you get defensive, lash out at them and begin to tell them how they aren’t doing enough to please you? Do you apologize when you’re wrong, or do you always have to take up the “top dog” stance? Are your words uplifting, or filled with sarcasm which brings others down? How much fun are you to be around? How pleasant is your company? Are you adding joy to the relationship, or something else? Is your negativity sucking the life out of your relationship? I’ve heard that unhappy people only make others miserable. Take a moment and think, if today was the last day you were with your mate, how will they sum up your treatment of them in the relationship? Are you expressing your love for your mate, or are you expressing something else?

Express Yourself!



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Quote: I’ve learned…

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