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Posts Tagged ‘Pain’

There are two ways of exerting one’s strength; one is pushing down, the other is pulling up.” –Booker T. Washington

Just some food for thought — how are you using your power? Are your words, thoughts, and actions lifting you up — or are they wreaking havoc in your life?

What is the impact of your words/behavior in other people’s lives? Some people seem to take pleasure in criticizing others, in tearing others down. This can occur face-to-face (like during an argument), in writing, or behind your back. Why do they do it? Here’s what I think: 1 – They really do want to cause you some pain. Have you heard the phrase “misery loves company?” If they are in pain they want to inflict pain on you because they can’t stand seeing you happy when they aren’t. 2 – Payback – they blame you for causing them pain so they want to get revenge by hurting you. 3 – They are envious of you/others. 4 – Insecurity – maybe they feel inferior to you so they think tearing you down kind of makes things even. If they succeed in tearing down your self-esteem, maybe you won’t leave them. 5 – Maybe they do it to make themselves feel better, to feel superior to others. 6 – Maybe it’s a way of distracting themselves from dealing with their own issues.



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Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad. -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

When you think about those hurting times in your life, were those major hurts caused by a loved one?

I just read this poem called “Life’s Scars,” by Ella Wheeler Wilcox. It got me thinking — “Is this true?” I thought about my own experiences as well as the experiences of others. I realized…I’ve talked to a lot of people, read books and heard stories, and I noticed the one thing these people all have in common is that the major hurts they talked about were caused by a loved one — parent, guardian, child, sibling, aunt, uncle, spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend. I know there are people who have been maimed or killed at the hands of a stranger. There are people who have been tortured and raped by strangers. There are soldiers who come back from war emotionally scarred. The survivors and the victim’s family members are affected for life. These are not the people I’m talking about. We all experience hurt. Before their trauma they probably had been hurt by a loved one too. Maybe everyone hasn’t been hurt or wounded by a loved one, but a lot of people have –and most likely will be at some point in their lives. It may or may not be intentional. Just some food for thought.

Life’s Scars

They say the world is round, and yet
I often think it square,
So many little hurts we get
From comers here and there.
But one great truth in life I’ve found,
While journeying to the West-
The only folks who really wound
Are those we love the best.
The man you thoroughly despise
Can rouse your wrath, ’tis true;
Annoyance in your heart will rise
At things mere strangers do;
But those are only passing ills;
This rule all lives will prove;
The rankling wound which aches and thrills
Is dealt by hands we love.
The choicest garb, the sweetest grace,
Are oft to strangers shown;
The careless mien, the frowning face,
Are given to our own.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.
Love does not grow on every tree,
Nor true hearts yearly bloom.
Alas for those who only see
This cut across a tomb!
But soon or late, the fact grows plain
To all through sorrow’s test:
The only folks who give us pain
Are those we love the best.
–Ella Wheeler Wilcox

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Do you sometimes feel like you are the only person in the world who is crying, feels hurt, or is in pain? Do you feel like no one else is going through what you are experiencing? If it’s any comfort to you, know that you are not alone — everybody hurts. Some people just paste a smile on their face and go out into the world and act as if their life is perfect — or at least near perfect. Others have no problem letting the whole world know how bad they’ve got it. Some people are jealous of others because they think their lives are perfect and pain-free. One thing I’ve found to be true is that no one’s life is pain-free. It could be emotional or physical — pain is pain. Everyone has their own way of dealing with it. Years ago I remember I was upset about something and then I ran into two friends that same day who told me what was going on in their lives. I knew one friend had a twin brother who struggled with multiple sclerosis. Now his other brother had been diagnosed with the disease and was rapidly deteriorating. And on top of that his mother was diagnosed with cancer. The other friend was distraught because she just found out her husband had an affair. I remember thinking my situation wasn’t one I wanted, however, I thought their situations seemed worse. I knew I definitely wouldn’t want to be in their shoes. I don’t remember what was bothering me at the time. If I was to guess, I’d say work was stressing me out or my mother was in the hospital.

There was another incident when I was in my twenties that stuck with me. One day I had to ride the bus to work. I took my seat and was looking at the other passengers as they boarded the bus. I noticed a young woman who looked to be about my age. I remember thinking that she was pretty, dressed nice and probably had a husband who really loved her — and a perfect life. Not long after that one of the women I carpooled with said another woman would be carpooling to work with us for a little while. Well it turned out to be the same young woman from the bus. She was 27 years old, divorced, and was living in the basement of her parents house with her three young boys. Not living the perfect life I had assumed.

Whatever you are going through right now, know that you are not alone — nor are you the only person on this earth who is experiencing what you are experiencing right now. Everybody messes up, and sometimes people hurt the ones they love. Everybody hurts.

The next time you’re upset or hurting remember this story:

The Cross Room

The young man was at the end of his rope.

Seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer.

“Lord, I can’t go on,” he said.

“I have too heavy a cross to bear.”

The Lord replied, “My son, if you can’t bear it’s weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then open another door and pick any cross you wish.”

The man was filled with relief.

“Thank you, Lord,” he sighed, and did as he was told.

As he looked around the room he saw many different crosses;

some so large the tops were not visible.

Then he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall.

“I’d like that one, Lord,” he whispered. And the Lord replied,

“My son, that’s the cross you brought in.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When life problems seem overwhelming, it helps to look around and see what others are having to endure. Then you may see for yourself that you are more fortunate than you realized.

~ Author known to God ~

Here’s the song lyrics to “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M:

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you’re sure you’ve had enough of this life, well hang on
Don’t let yourself go, ’cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it’s time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you’ve had too much of this life, well hang on

‘Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don’t throw your hand. Oh, no. Don’t throw your hand
If you feel like you’re alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you’re on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone

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“Someone was hurt before you; wronged before you; hungry before you; frightened before you; beaten before you; humiliated before you; raped before you; yet, someone survived.” –Maya Angelou

Have you ever known anyone who seems to constantly complain or cry on your shoulder about the same thing? They sound like a broken record. You keep giving them advice but they don’t take it. They don’t seem to do anything but cry or complain. It’s almost as if they enjoy wallowing in their pain — and they just want you to join them in their personal pity party. You want to help them, but after awhile you begin to lose your patience with them. So, what do you do? Below is a response to that question from the book “Acts of Faith” by Iyanla Vanzant:

“What do you do when it seems as if people want to stay in their pain? They have a story to tell and they tell you every chance they get. It may get to the point that they become so entrenched in their pain that they stop looking for a way out. Well, believe it or not, they may like where they are. Our job is to leave them there. You can point the way out of pain, but you cannot force them to get out. You can support the move beyond their limitations, but you cannot make the move. Movement requires learning from painful experiences by recognizing the role we have played. If we continually tell the story without drawing a conclusion, we become the victims of the drama of the pain.”

You can do anything you choose to do.

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