Have you ever stopped to think about what your needs are in a relationship? Did you ever think they might be different from your mate?
Needs — what an interesting word. I used to be one of those people who didn’t even know that word when it came to a relationship. I knew I had “wants.” Well along comes this book “His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage,” by Willard F. Harley, Jr. to school me all about “needs” in a marriage. Finally, I felt validated. I wasn’t being selfish or unrealistic. The first time I saw the lists I thought I also wanted to add some of the things from the man’s list. What can I say…I’m a woman, and you know we want it all!
Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. is a psychologist and marriage counselor with more than 30 years of experience. This is what he had to say about his needs/her needs:
Excerpt from His Needs, Her Needs
“In my counseling experience, I have identified five basic needs men expect their wives to fulfill and five needs women expect their husbands to meet. Time and again these ten needs have surfaced as I have helped literally thousands of couples improve their troubled marriages. Although each individual may perceive his or her needs differently, the consistency with which these two sets of five categories have surfaced to explain marital problems impresses me.
The man’s five most basic needs in marriage tend to be:
1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Recreational companionship
3. An attractive spouse
4. Domestic support
5. Admiration
The woman’s five most basic needs in marriage tend to be:
1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty and openness
4. Financial support
5. Family commitment
These categories may not apply equally to everyone. Some men and women will look at their respective lists and say, quite honestly, “I don’t share this or that need.” Sometimes people will see things on the list of the opposite sex that will strike them as more applicable to themselves. Long experience has taught me, however, that the vast majority of each sex do agree that the needs I have listed are their deepest ones when it comes to the marriage relationship.”
“In marriages that fail to meet those needs, I have seen, strikingly and alarmingly, how consistently married people choose the same pattern to satisfy their unmet needs: the extramarital affair. People wander into affairs with astonishing regularity, in spite of whatever strong moral or religious convictions they may hold. Why? Once a spouse lacks fulfillment of any of the five needs, it creates a thirst that must be quenched. If changes do not take place within the marriage to care for that need, the individual will face the powerful temptation to fill it outside of marriage.”
Don’t shoot me if you don’t agree. I’m just the messenger. I do think this is something to think about. Yes, it’s easy for us to say that people cheat because “they want to.” However, I don’t think most people go into marriage with the idea of being unfaithful to their spouse. We may not like it, but maybe there is something to what Dr. Harley is saying.
About the Book – His Needs, Her Needs
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html
Read Chapter 1 of His Needs, Her Needs
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs-ch1.html
Emotional Needs Descriptions and Emotional Needs Questionnaire
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html
Info on Dr. Harley
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi2000_meet.html
So accurate! This part surprised me “People wander into affairs with astonishing regularity, in spite of whatever strong moral or religious convictions they may hold”. I thought I was alone there. Thought how can I be so religious and be looking for an affair? I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts. Thank you! 🙂
Dear SNS: Please don’t go looking for an affair. Temporarily it might bring you some short term pleasure, but in the long run it can cause more harm than good. Have you tried talking to hubby about what you need and what he needs in the relationship so you can both be happy? Another thing…are you involved in some other activity that brings you joy? Remember… you can’t solve a problem within the marriage by going outside of it. If you want to talk more, feel free to email me at lifelessons4u2@gmail.com.
Thanks for sharing your feelings and for visiting the blog. Take care, A.
Thank you so much A! Feel free to click on my name and start at the bottom post. I’ve been thinking about this for quite a while but decided to put my feelings and experiences into words as they might help me and other people. There is some profanity, hope that doesn’t bother you.
I always have a project or hobby going on trying to take my mind off all this, hasn’t worked.
Thank you again! 🙂
SNS: I’ll be sure to read your blog. I do understand your temptation. I’ve known of a few cases where the affair caused huge consequences. One person gave his wife Herpes, another man cheated and got Aids, and another married man cheated which resulted in a child with the other woman. Just think it’s too high a price to pay. If you haven’t already seen it, check out the movie “Unfaithful.” It stars Richard Gere and Diane Lane. It’s a really good flick. Talk to you soon. A.
“Just think it’s too high a price to pay.” I used to think the same thing. I will rent that movie! K, talk soon. 🙂
interesting thoughts, but scary lists… i wonder how old the couples he spoke to were — it reads like lists my parents would have come up with 🙂 in fact, if those are my husband’s top needs in a relationship, he has my complete permission to go seek the vapid Barbie doll somewhere else!
i think one of the problems today is that we do expect our spouses to meet ALL our needs, and that is just not possible. i think we also discount the fact that we live so much longer that we expect marriages to continue to be rewarding long after they should have ended.
and as far as finding oneself attracted to someone of the opposite sex? married, not dead! it’s biology, nature, instinct. it’s whether you choose to follow the urge or not. and you know, sometimes people honestly do fall in love despite their married status and despite what they would prefer. it happens. we are all human.
but i love the essence of the post. my husband and i made a list of needs when we first started counseling — they were very different…
L: Wow, I hadn’t thought of the lists in that perspective. I do agree that people can’t expect for one person to meet all of their needs. Hubby and I do try working together as a team and we still like to please one another. We’re not perfect, and don’t have the perfect marriage, but we do keep working on ourselves and on how we relate to each other. I agree, married doesn’t mean you can’t still be attracted to someone of the opposite sex, but it doesn’t mean you have to act on it. I’m glad this post has got some people thinking. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. Take care, A.
I’ll need to think on this more in terms of responding to what i think needs might be.. but my immediate reaction to a woman’s need being financial support is strong. That may once have been completely true and may be to an extent now but it seems to belittle women to assume that we want/need to be ‘taken care of’… I understand that Harley feels that to be true, but it feels very old-fashioned to me and negates the many women who are financially independent or co-financers of their own marriage.
to Sweet-n-Simple…as my marriage was ending I had an affair, i had already verbalized my separation so less of an ‘affair’ for me; the other guy had not. It was short and satisfying and very unsatisfying all at the same time..he could never really devote the time to me i wanted and deserved so it make me feel all the more hollow…. and when I saw Unfaithful I was guilt stricken about what the affair could do to my lover’s kids and ended it immediately.
I don’t want to be the woman who enables some guy to destroy his marriage.. I didn’t see it that way initially but understand now that the woman would play that role, as would the guy if roles were reversed.
It’s not as much a religious issue in my mind as it is of respect.. respect for one’s self.
DF: I went back and re-read some of what Harley had to say on the financial thing. It’s a little bit too much to say here — he wrote ten pages on this area. But I will say…He says in private married women are telling him that they resent working if their working is an absolute necessity. And he goes on to say that even part-time work sometimes irritates them if their income has to help pay for basic living expenses. He said the women he talks to usually want a choice between following a careeer and being a homemaker — or they want a combination of the two. Ideally they want to be homemakers in their younger years, while their children are small. Later, when the children have grown, they often want to develop careers outside the home.
I’ve known a number of professional working women in their 30’s and 40’s who have told me they would quit work in a heartbeat if they didn’t need the money. I’m not going so far as to say every woman feels that way.
Thanks for being so open in your response to Sweet-n-Simple. Take care, A.
I agree with the previous comments. Flower, thank you for sharing your experience with this too! I really don’t think wanting sex enough to break a vow means you have no or low self respect though. lifelessons4u has talked me down from the ledge, so to speak, for at least a few more days. I will see that movie Unfaithful and Fireproof before I jump too. 🙂
Flower, I apologize, I sort of misinterpreted what you said about self respect. Anyone else notice she didn’t say anything about “low” self respect but I did. Freudian slip! I get it! Just planning to do this has lowered my self respect. Man, you ladies rock! Thank you! 🙂
My former Italian penpal once said it best, to me, regarding the biggest change she needed to make for relationships, which was substituting “we” for “me” in her vocabulary. But that doesn’t mean I substitute “our” for “her”, either. 🙂
DC: That’s good advice. Too many times people get stuck on “I” statements — I want, I need. Well, there are two people in the relationship. You have to learn “effective” communication, and how to work things out.
THANK YOU LIFELESSONS4U! Would you please remove that “e” on the end of my name too? It’s a unique spelling of my name and I wish to remain anonymous on the internet.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Have a great day!
Done.
I can’t think of a word in the English language to describe the depths of my hatred for the damnable doctrine that this book contains. My husband has used this author’s rationale to emotionally distance himself from me because I gained weight since we married.
I challenge anyone to identify a single bible verse that this author quotes. The book’s premise is this author’s opinion, and contadicts the Christian teaching of putting one’s needs on hold in order to help their struggling spouse. It’s depressing from beginning to end.
If you really want to read a helpful book on marriage, check out “The Love Dare”. This latter book is really blessing our marriage, and is cleaning up the mess that “His Needs, Her Needs” helped to make.
Forgot: You’re welcome to respond.
@juliet I don’t think the book contradicts the Bible’s teaching of putting one’s needs on hold for his/her spouse- just the opposite. The book identifies the husband’s needs to help the wife better support him, and does the same for the wife’s needs. The book helps each spouse support one another, it’s by no means intended to be self-gratifying.
Sorry, Sara, but you still fail to show me a scriptural basis for this author’s opinion (I think his name is Harley), and therefore I reject it.
I have seen other blogs on the internet complaining that this book has no biblical basis, and I have to agree with these individuals. I have read through this book, and I didn’t see a single bible verse. Yes, I know he’s been on at least one Christian show — the 700 Club — but that still doesn’t mean his opinion is necessarily that of the show’s producers.
No thanks to Harley, at the date of this blog my husband and I are on the verge of celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary. I was furious while writing that earlier blog. I’m calmer now, but it still saddens me when I think of how Harley’s philosophy endangers marriages. His quickness to encourage you to separate from your spouse scares me.
Thank God for “The Love Dare” — saturated in scripture! It has blessed our marriage. I highly recommend it.
juliet,
I have found that whether His Needs/Her Needs is scriptual based, and I am not saying it isn’t, it is still very applicable and sound.
How can you rationalize that weight gain is not an issue when your husband has specifically mentioned that physical attractiveness is one of his primary emotional needs? They are his emotional needs, not yours.
A resentment and unacceptance of his needs is not going to be solved by any book, including Love Dare.
In addition, Harley’s book does not encourage you to separate from your spouse. In fact, it does just the opposite. It helps you to understand how you can do things to meet the emotional needs of each other. Some of these things are very hard to do, such as lose weight, but it doesn’t mean that the needs are unimportant.
Best of luck to you.
Hi, Shawn.
First of all, I don’t recall saying that weight gain is not an issue. I hired a personal trainer for several months last year, and brought my blood pressure down to normal and lost a few pounds in the process. I’ve also adopted a vigorous fitness and nutrition regimen. I think that’s proof that I’ve accepted it as an issue.
Sure I resent it when I struggle to meet my spouse’s needs and spouse says it’s still not good enough; wouldn’t you? “Love Dare” points me to Scripture that reminds me that my huz and I are in it together and to love him even when he rejects my efforts to meet his needs.
You apparently disagree with my husband in saying that Harley doesn’t encourage people to separate from their spouse. My husband told me that he was resisting the book’s advice that he should leave me because of my weight gain. I later read a passage where Harley tells this man to separate from his wife because she gained weight, to the dismay of their minister, so I see where this divisive notion originated.
To tell someone to risk wrecking their marriage in order to force their spouse to meet their emotional needs violates the scripture, “What God has joined together, let not man put asunder”, among others. To assume that people will jump into affairs because they’re dissatisfied with their spouses isn’t encouraging them to live like Christians. “Love Dare” counsels that even in the face of rejection you should put your needs on hold in order to meet your spouse’s needs. The latter book helped me to get a positive handle on my marriage, while Harley’s book left me wondering if I should retaliate because hubby wasn’t meeting MY needs — i.e., turn our marriage into a battlefield until MY needs got met first.
Thanks for wishing me luck. I got Somebody better than luck — JESUS — Who’s helping me to love and reverence my husband. I suggest you read Harley’s book and “Love Dare” — the better book — like I have, if you really want to understand each of them. God bless you.
Juliete,
Thank you for clarifying.
I have read both books and find merit in both of them.
With “Love Dare”, I saw the movie and then read the book.
In a joking manner, I have to say that putting Kirk Cameron and Erin Bethea as the primary actors in Love Dare was interesting. Two very beatiful people. I think I would have related to the movie more if they were average looking or even overweight. But I understand Hollywood and also Kirk Cameron’s involvement in the story.
“His Needs Her Needs” is NOT how the Bible commands husbands and wives to live. This book is non-Christian and should not be used in ANY church that follows Christ or the Bible.
The book that IS Biblically based and taken from Ephesians 5:28-33 (see below) is “Love and Respect”- Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. This love and respect is UNCONDITIONAL.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is an internationally known public speaker on the topic of male-female relationships. Based on over three decades of counseling as well as scientific and biblical research, Dr. Eggerichs and his wife Sarah developed the Love and Respect Conference which they present to live audiences around the country.
28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body,[d] of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”[e] 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Thanks, Michael.
We just have to trust God and live like His word says to live in all areas of life, don’t we?
Juliet,
I am with you on this matter of this book, His Needs Her Needs.
I have been shocked that it is passed out like candy by spiritual leaders to their congregation members. It’s nothing but Christian postmodern psychobabble, so influenced by cultural, worldly, ungodly, humanism and secularism that it CANNOT be of the scripture. It is clearly NOT of the scripture. Sure, we can say, “Oh it’s Biblical to want to meet your spouse’s needs. And to sacrifice yourself in doing so.” Yes, but in what ways are you sacrificing yourself and your spiritual health to do this? Would God want you to be used as an implement of evil to fulfill a man’s worldly perverted ideas of beauty (via plastic surgery)? Would God want a man to fulfill his wife’s “so-called NEED” for financial security by making sure she has every luxury she ever desired? What is Godly in any of that?
I wish there was a marriage book entitled, “His Needs and Her Needs don’t really Matter So Much as God’s Needs”.
I believe in submission, so no one accuse me of being a feminist here please. I believe in taking care of one’s health, not for your spouse or your own vanity, but to glorify God. He wants us to take care of our bodies. So don’t anyone jump down my gullet and make assumptions here.
Let me make this clear:
If this book was first and foremost a Christian book, it would say so on the dust jacket. And throughout the book, Dr. Harley would explain and filter his “practical ideas” through Biblical scripture. He does NOT. Because of that, the presentation is very open to humanistic and secular interpretation that WILL NOT GLORIFY GOD. This is a deceptive book, and we are warned in Ephesians (4:14) as well as in Hebrews 13:9 to be cautious of allowing these kinds of deceptive, cunning resources to trump the Truth. Be on your guard, and be pray for discernment. We are living in a time where the lines are majorly blurred between humanism and Christianity.
Let’s look at the Song of Songs (Song of Solomon, also the Canticles of Solomon, Book of Solomon):
In the very beginning of that Bible book, we read the Shulammite maiden expressing her love and her insecurity in her own appearance. Solomon does NOT prey on her insecurity over her appearance. He assures her that she is beautiful to him even with her perceived flaws, faults and imperfections.
For the mature Christian, this Bible book is not about sex. It is a threefold interpretation of (1) PURE married love/sex between between Solomon and the Shulammite, the relationship not being profaned or tainted by ascetism or lust (2) God’s love for Israel and (3) Christ’s love for His Bride – The Church.
Husbands are commanded in the New Testament to do what? To love their wives as Christ loved His Bride. So what does that mean in relation to what we know about Christ, what He did for the Church and looking back clearly at Solomon and the SHulammite?
Well, did Jesus stand at the bottom of the cross and look at us and say, “Well, you’re not good enough. I’m not going to die for you until you fix your imperfections.”
That’s not what He did. He sacrificed Himself, and in the process of doing so, He presented us “blameless and pure” to Himself.
That is what husbands are to do. Sacrifice your worldly eyes and lusts, men. Trade up for something tender and BETTER.
Dr. Harley has this all wrong. He abuses the ideas of submission, and he warps the roles of husbands and wives. Women are not commanded so blatantly to be Christ in the marriage, and I don’t see husbands being commanded to copy The Bride – The Church.
Let’s get it right, people!
Dr. Harley’s book may be helpful to people who are married to non-believers or are totally off-put by any religious advice. But this book should not be dispensed like candy and serving as the basis of some many church marriage conferences and weekend retreats. Pastors who use this need to be questioned as to how they think this book is in keeping with the Scripture. . . and if it is so utterly scriptural, why is Dr. Harley embarrassed to apply scripture in the text? (You know what is said of lukewarm Christians, Dr. Harley. . . Jesus will spit you out of His mouth.)
Men and women’s needs do need to be validated, and we need to remember God did design us as complementary. For my husband’s differences, I am utterly thankful. Sex is not dirty, unless we allow the world to influence our thinking and desires. Being beautiful is not offensive: I’d say that Dr. Harley leaves out one of women’s greatest needs (and this reflects The Church, the Bride of Christ also) – – – To have one man find us so BEAUTIFUL AS WE ARE even in our imperfection that he’d sacrifice himself for us. Dr. Harley screws up the whole thing by leaving that out and instead preying upon one of woman’s greatest insecurities.
Is it really about His Needs, Her Needs? Or should it be about God’s Needs? Depends. To you want to glorify yourself (humanism) or do you want to glorify God?
I can say so much more. But I’ll stop. I’m sick of this book in churches. It has no place there. Our pastors need better training on understanding marriage scripturally. They are inadvertantly perverting everything and making matters worse. I don’t see divorce rates declining as Christians continue to allow postmodern psychobabble to trump the Bible.
Juliet, my heart breaks for you. Thank goodness our Savior loves us so tenderly and so much patience and compassion for us in our struggles and weaknesses. My heart also breaks for the many young men and older men who continue to buy into the worldly lies about themselves. Yes, perhaps you love sex and beauty, but do not let the world taint your ideas of it. . . Look to God, and you will be made whole. And oddly enough, you’ll probably get more sexually fulfillment. Betraying beauty will not get you more sexual fulfillment.
If someone cheats, it’s not a spouse’s fault for not meeting a need. If someone cheats, he or she is just utterly selfish. Marriage is not just a commitment to a man or woman. . . it’s a commitment to God.
God Bless You All.
Emily
Hi, Emily.
As the late evangelist Kathryn Kuhlman used to say, “As long as God is on the throne and hears and answers prayer, everything will come all right.”
God bless.
juliet,
I’m so sorry for the damage that Harley’s book has caused. I am a licensed counselor and a Christian and his book disturbs me deeply. I agree with him in some small way in that men and women quite often have different “needs” and I even believe there a trends regarding these “needs” (I prefer to say desires as I have a higher criteria for what I consider a “need”). However, we must evaluate our desires/needs in light of scripture and what is Holy and Godly (or for those who have yet to know the Lord, simply moral and good) before we expect, much less demand (as Harley almost seems to advocate), others to change to meet them. No where in scripture will you find support for getting plastic surgery done to correct premature wrinkling in order to meet your husbands “needs” for an attractive spouse. And you can’t tell me that this is applicable/practical even though it is not supported Biblically. We are treasures in the Lord’s eyes, and we must believe that and see that and treat ourselves with love and care and respect and then let that unbelievable grace-filled love that God has for us spill over into our marriage relationship. We must set reasonable boundaries and communicate our desires to our spouse and constantly work on our ways of loving.
I pray that those who hear or read Harley’s messages will seek discernment and a “multitude of counselors” so that they may find other books and messages that better meet the needs of challenged or growing marriages.
God bless you, Melissa. Thanks.
Well i have a problem, my husbands needs are everyone of the needs in the his needs her needs book, He is really into bodybuilding. I admit that i am a little over weight but he stays n my case about getting into shape. He makes comments like, “Every guys wants his wife to be in shape and that it is my job to get into shape for him. well that makes me feel worth less. On his facebook there are bodybuilding sites that pop up in shape women half dressed and I tell him that is not right for a husband to have that on his facebook. Is it just me thinking wrong are is he right. he said that i am spending to much time worring about the wrong things that i should be spending that time getting into shape and i wouldnt get mad over the pictures. somebody please give me advice.
Dear Kim, I advise you to (prayerfully, with your hubby, if possible) read the the following passages from God’s Word concerning marriage: Ephesians 5: 22 – 32; I Peter 3:1 – 5, 7; Genesis 2: 18 , 21 – 24; Proverbs 5: 18 – 19 (as a wife I recommend that women sort of reverse the genders in this last verse). Agree with your husband — or if you have to, determine within yourself that your marriage is going to succeed and pray to God to guide you.
If you are not a Christian, become one; then encourage your husband to do likewise. Ask God to lead you to a Bible-believing church and get in it. Read God’s word daily, with your husband if you can. Pray daily, again, with your husband , if possible. Ask God to guide you about seeking Christian counseling for your marriage. I highly recommend that you read a booklet on marriage called “The Love Dare”. You might be surprised at how many women in our society face problems like yours, including me, but God says that we’re more than conquerors through Christ! (Romans 8:37)
It may not happen as fast as you like, but you and your husband will win! Comment here again with your victory testimony.