What’s in it for You? What’s in it for me (WIIFM)?

When making decisions, what is the one question you ask yourself?

Now that all that election stuff is over and I probably won’t be seeing the strong political opinions of others on Facebook (thank goodness), it got me thinking about the candidates campaigning and debating and why people make the decision to vote for a particular candidate. I didn’t really do any deep, deep thinking about it but it did bring to mind the phrase from that old Janet Jackson song, “What Have You Done For Me Lately?” along with the questions, “What are you going to do? How will it affect me/my family?” and “How will it affect others (non-family)?”

Whether consciously or subconsciously, when we have a decision to make, the one question we want answered is — What’s in it for me (WIIFM). The answer isn’t always about what you will get, it could also be “how will I feel.” Years ago my father told me “people want to know WIIFM – What’s in it for me.” It wasn’t something I had ever really thought about before but it made sense to me. Many years prior (when I was much younger) to him sharing the WIIFM principle with me I had a frustrating experience at work. The head honchos of the directorates (major work divisions) decided they wanted to reorganize and place all the financial type people who worked within their organizations into one office within their individual organizations. At the time we had a main “Comptroller” directorate and the rest of us were financial people who interacted with the Comptroller organization. We were spread out amongst the different directorates and offices within those directorates. My directorate head called those of us affected into a meeting to tell us the news of our being reassigned but also said, “If you find someplace else you’d rather go within the agency, you’re free to go.” Well this was music to my ears. My immediate supervisor knew someone who was looking to fill a position and I interviewed with him and got the job. I waited. And then one day he said he was told that my directorate head was not going to let me go. I was a little disappointed but kept on going. An acquaintance of mine was looking to hire another budget analyst. I gave her my resume, we talked and she wanted to hire me. I waited. The news came back that Mr. X and my directorate head had made an agreement that they would “not steal” any of their budget people from one another. I was a little ticked. This was twice now that I had been blocked from taking another job. I kept looking. I knew a director in another directorate that had some budget positions available. A good friend of mine and I applied for the positions. They wanted both of us. Great news I thought — we’ll be able to work together. I waited and waited. Finally my friend received the “official” telephone call from personnel (Human Resources) offering her one of the budget positions. I was wondering why I hadn’t received a call. I called one of the guys I had interviewed with who had said he wanted me for one of the positions and I called personnel. In a nut shell I was told, “The directorate heads have all made an agreement not to take each other’s financial people.” Now I was really upset. They were messing with my career! I remember saying to the nice lady from personnel, “If that’s the case, why bother applying for any jobs?” And she said, “Don’t give up. You never know, things can change.” It was just what I needed to hear to keep me going. About a day later my friend received a phone call telling her that personnel had offered her the job by mistake and that she was not supposed to have gotten that call. So, my friend was stuck too. She ended up taking a job outside the agency. One day, not long after, I saw a job announcement via email and I knew the job was mine. I can’t explain how I knew it, I guess it was just a feeling, plus the fact that this position was in Corporate Operations. That was the directorate that was a direct extension of the Office of the Commander (the Admiral) of the agency. And I knew that if he wanted me, he out-trumped the other directorate heads. The Admiral was the head honcho of the agency. In essence, everybody worked for him. I knew if he wanted me, he had the power to make it happen. And I was right. I got the job without any problem. They brought another women in to fill my position and I trained her for awhile before I moved on to my new position. The whole time I had been looking at things from the perspective of “What’s in it for me?” but so had my immediate directorate head (I believe he was looking at it from the perspective of what was in it for his organization) – and he had decided that he didn’t want to let me go those 3 previous times. Live and learn.

While I had this WIIFM thing on my mind I decided to surf the web to see if I could find any information on it. This is one thing I found:

What’s In It For Me?
Written by Steve Martin
President, Natural Encounters, Inc.
Presented at the IAATE Conference
Toronto, Canada 2004

What’s In It For Me? That question drives most every decision you make. From the moment you wake up in the morning, “What’s in it for me” is the subconscious mantra playing quietly in the back of your head. These five words help you choose what clothes to wear, what food to eat, what people to hang around with, what movie to watch, and so on. They also help you evaluate risks: do you dare walk across that fallen log, do you try to make that traffic light, do you ask for a raise, do you ask her out, do you get a Bald Eagle, do you find a new job, do I go on with these examples, do I write do I go on with these examples….?

What’s in it for me is not always about what we will get, it is often about how we will feel. We are often inspired to do things for the feelings of pride, compassion, sharing, safety, security, thrill, excitement, etc. Our subconscious mind helps us make appropriate decisions based on our experience, motivation, and our prediction of the rewards and risks associated with our actions.

Source: naturalencounters.com




Think about it. Businesses, advertisers and politicians all get to us by using the WIIFM principle. They appeal to us with the lure — if you buy and use this product or purchase this information — your life will improve and/or your dreams will come true, you will look better, you will lose weight, you will smell better, your hair will smell better and look better, you will make more money, you can win by playing the lottery/gambling (if you win big you could become so rich that you can quit your job and live happily ever after, your problem(s) will be solved, you will meet the man/woman of your dreams (think internet dating sites), you will have a happier relationship, you will feel better emotionally and/or physically (think about all those ads for drugs, ads for energy drinks & so-called “healthy cereals,” feminine products, sex products), you will feel safe/safer/protected (i.e. alarm systems, carrying guns or having them in your home), you will become happy or happier, etc. Negotiations even happen using the WIIFM principle. Even your family and friends will sometimes appeal to you using the WIIFM principle. I remember whenever my father would break the news to us that the military was moving us once again, he also used to point out all the benefits he could think of that would appeal to us about moving to the new area. Bless his heart, he just wanted us to “feel better.” It helped to ease the pain a little but I was still upset about having to leave my friends and once again be the new kid at school. I would remain upset until the time we moved and I made new friends.

I say all this not to say that people don’t do things for others. Sometimes we can really come together as a country. Especially when it comes to donating items and raising money for a cause (but even that comes with a tax write off). I think some people are only concerned with getting, with receiving for themselves and their family and don’t really care about others or giving to others. Some people give just so they can get — they are trying to manipulate you to get what they want/have things their way. Some people give because they care about others but it also makes them feel good, feel happy inside to give by their choice. What’s in it for you? What’s in it for me? I’ll wrap this up with these two Bible verses about giving:

Deuteronomy 15:10-11 (New International Version (NIV)) – Give generously to them and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to. There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore I command you to be openhanded toward your fellow Israelites who are poor and needy in your land.

2 Corinthians 9:6-8 (New International Version (NIV)) – Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

Read Full Post »

Avoiding ‘Pitfall Friends’ and Setting Up Boundaries

You know when you’re walking down the street and you see one of those open manhole covers, usually surrounded by orange cones and yellow tape? These are no-go zones, where you will fall, get hurt, or at the very least put yourself at risk.

Wouldn’t it be great if these barriers just appeared for us, unbidden, around the things that could potentially cause us emotional or physical harm? It may not be easy to admit, but some of the biggest dangers to our emotional well-being are people we either love or have a long history with, jobs we want to succeed in, or belongings we very much want to possess.

Take Marie, for example, who lives down the street from her sister on a suburban street in Florida.  The sister (who shall remain nameless) is consistently condescending to Marie, fails to show up for lunch dates, and insults Marie’s friends behind their backs. Many of us have close friends or family members who are like this, and though we love them, when we engage with them in the wrong way, we end up getting frustrated and hurt.

So, do we need to cut these people out of our lives completely?  Not necessarily. Our close friends and particularly our family members are difficult if not impossible to detach from completely.  They often come barging back into our lives sooner or later.

The key is to set up emotional boundaries.  Just like those little lines of tape that keep us safe from open manholes, i.e. physical boundaries, emotional boundaries prevent us from getting so close we get hurt.

1.  Set up days and/or times when you can be reached and times when you definitely can’t.  John, a real-estate agent in Alabama, has his daughter over to stay at his house two nights each week and every other weekend.  His friends may call or text his phone in the evening, but John sticks to his guns and never responds to their calls or texts, barring emergencies, until his daughter goes to bed. This is a healthy boundary, and one that will even draw admiration from his friends.

You may choose one day a week, say Monday, as your “serenity day”, when phone calls from your friends are not answered until the evening, and emails are not replied to until later on as well.  Your serenity day may only extend to whoever is within your band of yellow tape, but no one needs to know that but you.

2.  Don’t get used.  You might have a talent for using the computer, or for filing taxes and managing your personal finances, but that doesn’t mean others should rely on you to do their dirty work for them.  Of course, there is room to be flexible here and answer a question or two, but if your close friend makes you feel unappreciated or obligated, or if they threaten you that refusal to help them will be a damage to your relationship, it’s best to back off and say, “Give this a shot on your own.  If you’re not done in a couple of weeks, I’ll be happy to answer some more questions for you then.”

3.  Communicate what you are not willing to do.  Anna, a website designer in Texas, agreed to be a bridesmaid in her friend’s wedding. When her friend asked her to reduce her hours at work so that she could spend more time wedding planning, she refused, because she was up for a promotion.  After the friend barred her from the wedding completely, Anna realized that a friend who cared more for her wedding planning than for her well-being wasn’t a true friend after all.

4.  Keep your own counsel.  We all love to share plans and ideas with friends and family, but seeking approval from your pitfall friend can lead to disappointment and/or insecurity.  If you’re planning a holiday or starting a new club or project, keep it under wraps, at least until you’re through the initial stages.

5. Stick to your guns. Terry lives in the resort area of Tampa Bay and this means he has friends always popping in and out for short holidays and even sometimes for a week or more. Terry enjoys his friends’ company but doesn’t like having his entire private life invaded, especially over the summer period. He has a very clear set of house rules which he expects all friends as well as his family to abide by and anyone who doesn’t will be told. For example, Terry expects all house guests to do their own washing and contribute to the food budget, if they choose to eat in his home. It’s not a big deal but when you’re used to your friends taking advantage sticking to your guns with a few set rules can really make a difference to your relationship.

Your friends may want to be involved in every move you make, but everyone has the right to make decisions without the sway of others.  Besides, if things come to fruition later on, the do-it-yourself attitude will bring greater personal rewards.

Relationships with long-time friends and family members can be very complicated, so there’s nothing wrong with using guidelines to manage them.  Then you can continue to enjoy their company and still keep your feet on the pavement.

About the Author:

Kim Dockley is a freelance writer.

Read Full Post »

Invite Simplicity Into Your Life and Your Relationship

“Remember that nurturing yourself is as important (if not more so) as nurturing others.” –Mary Anne Radmacher

Guest post by Veronica Drake

Invite Simplicity Into Your Life and Your Relationship

Conference calls, carpools, drive-thru dinners and text-messaged I love you’s make up the life many of us know today. We hurry to get from one destination to another while constantly juggling thoughts of tomorrow and beyond. We spend more time in our cars and with our co-workers than we do with our families. That means spending less time with our partners. We ignore the fact that we see less and less of our significant other and become more and more confused as to why “we don’t communicate anymore”.

What happens when we can’t deny the disconnect any longer, and the effects of an overextended life have drained our relationship of all its life and vibrancy? We go to therapy, we take a pill, we have an affair, or we have a cocktail. As a relationship coach I have an alternative solution to the above.

If you are having difficulty getting back to the simplicity of your earlier days with each other think of a time when your relationship felt uncomplicated. Write down what you liked about that time. Was it your mental state, surroundings, responsibilities or physical stuff? Which feelings and situations would you like to recreate?

Before you can invite simplicity into your relationship you must first simplify yourself. What you are feeling/experiencing as your reality will manifest in your relationship. I suggest we focus on ourselves so that we can create deeper connection to those we love by providing a strong sense of purpose and self to our loved ones.

Some check points for you to acknowledge

1. Find Purposeful work. Do something you love

Do you drag yourself out of bed in the morning to another day of work? The sheer dread of lifting your head off the pillow is excruciating. To invite simplicity into your life, begin by examining your professional life. Find work that is fun and uses your natural gifts. Explore what you are naturally good at and then begin the process of finding a more suitable job. You may find the process alone creates serenity.

2. Give up the news

What you think about, you bring about. And what you focus on manifests in your life. Those can be scary thoughts when you apply them to what you are inviting into your life by reading or watching the daily news. Are you addicted to the drama? The violence and the tragedy do nothing to add to your inner peace. To simplify your life, spend the next seven days away from the news. Instead, read a book, make positive connections with family and friends or listen to soothing music.

3. Learn to say no

JUST SAY NO! Sounds simple, right? For a lot of people saying NO brings up a lot of stuff: Will I be liked? What if they talk about me, Will I go to hell?? Learning to focus on creating healthy boundaries makes our life easier, for example “When the head of the little league association asks you to work the concessions stand, tell her you can’t. Just say no. Spend the time on yourself instead.

When you use good judgment and integrity you will always be about love and acceptance. Saying no from a loving place is much different than saying no from a hateful, spiteful place. Practice developing boundaries and self love. Saying NO could truly save your life!

4. Embrace the outdoors

Nature is therapeutic. It reminds us of what life is really about, and connects us to the simple gifts that we all too often overlook. If you are stuck at the office feeling stressed and frustrated, imagine taking a walk through the woods. Envision a flowing brook. Capture the smell of wildflowers and honeysuckle in your mind. Feel the warmth of the sun on your face. If you’re home, consider the therapeutic benefits of gardening. Even the simplest of gardens can release the stress accumulated in your head, neck and shoulders after a long day of meetings.

5. LOL (Laugh out loud)

Are you too busy to laugh and too serious to smile? Are you caught up in your own sense of importance? Many of us have tucked away the inner child who longs for attention and laughter. Laughing releases a mountain of tension. It’s a quick way to feel happy. When you let go and laugh, it’s infectious. Everyone around you feels it. A good belly laugh makes your belly muscles contract. It causes a chain reaction that works out the shoulders, and leaves muscles more relaxed afterward. It even provides a good workout for the heart. Count how many opportunities you have to laugh today.

6. Be silent

Start a practice of sitting with your Higher Power and asking for a quiet mind. Start your day off with a ritual of reflection and praise. At the office, shut your door for 10 minutes, close your eyes and simply be still. It will be hard at first, but after a few days, you will find yourself feeling calmer and happier than you have felt in a long time. Take time to recharge during your day!

7. Experience Gratitude

Appreciate all the simple things in your life: the sunshine, the sky, the shoes on your feet and the heart beating in your chest. Being grateful creates an energy that flows through your body and shines through your eyes. It’s what makes happy happen. Create a gratitude calendar that is full of simple reason you’re grateful.

8. Create a simplicity statement

Write down your own personal declaration of what a simple life means to you.

A simple life means different things and is valued differently by each individual. For me, it means eliminating all the drama, all the unnecessary “stuff,” choosing peace over chaos, and spending my time doing what’s important to me.

For you it may mean spending quality time with people you love, and doing the things you love. It could mean getting rid of the clutter so you are left with only what really matters to you.

The Short List to Simplicity:

For those whose mantra is “I can’t,” here’s your list:

1. Identify what’s most important to you.
2. Eliminate everything else.

The key to anything in life is WILLINGNESS. Are you willing to incorporate some behavior and change some habits in your life? Are you willing to come out of the box and teach the world how to treat you simply? The good news is it all starts with you.

Achieving simplicity isn’t always a simple process. It’s a journey, not a destination, and the joy IS in the journey, so remember to embrace it. You will always have the conference calls, and technology will only become more prevalent in our lives. But the way you choose to manage it is the key to living simply!

I promise you once you find peace and simplicity within you your relationships will naturally follow course.

To learn more about my relationship programs visit:

http://www.designyourrelationships.com

About the Author:

Veronica Drake is an International Relationship Coach and Intuitive. She specializes in working with women who are struggling to regain trust after the break up. She helps them access their inner wisdom so that they can create powerful personal relationships.

Veronica’s intuitive abilities are amazingly insightful and accurate. Her intuitive gifts empower her clients to journey deep into self-discovery … and create a deeper connection to their own intuitive voice.

She uses her witty, warm and sassy sense of humor to help clients relax, release and get in touch with what really matters to them.

Visit her at http://www.designyourrelationships.com

Read Full Post »

Three Choices Happy People Make

Today we have a guest post by one of my blogging buddies, Jennifer Boykin, who also happens to be the creator of a new site called “Life After Tampons.”  Please show her some love and check out her site.




Three Choices Happy People Make

By Jennifer Boykin

Creator, Life After Tampons

Do you feel like Sisyphus?  Every morning you drag your sad old bag of bones out of bed and get to work pushing your boulder of responsibilities and challenges uphill, only to have it come rolling back to the ground every night on your way home from work?

Or do you wake up more like the Duncan Donuts guy.  Remember him?  It’s always dark when he gets up.  He shuffles around the house getting ready and muttering to himself, “Got to make the donuts.  Got to make the donuts.”  But then, he turns around at the counter of his shop and claps his hand with glee at all the donut buyers clamoring for his fresh Boston Creams!

It wasn’t all that long ago that I was certain I was doomed to a life of drudgery and unhappiness.  Truly.  If you had my problems, you’d be unhappy, too.

And then I would list my problems – my losses – for you.  So you would HAVE TO AGREE that lasting happiness was just not going to happen for me.  You might shake your head in sympathy, and then you’d get up and go about the business of enjoying your own life.

I wondered how you did it.  Really, life just wasn’t fair.  Of course I could be happy if I had your life.  If my dad hadn’t left me (47 years ago!), my baby hadn’t died (20 years ago!) and blah and blah and blah and blah.

Certainly, there were times of great joy, particularly with respect to my three sons.  But then something would happen and it would completely derail me and I would go all the way back to the beginning of the Loss List again, just like Sisyphus’ boulder.

But then, finally, MERCIFULLY, I figured it out.  Happiness is a choice!  Happiness is a DECISION!  And even better, it’s MY decision.  YOU get absolutely NO VOTE AT ALL in whether I get to be happy or not.  What you do or don’t do, what you decide or don’t decide, how you behave or don’t behave, what you say or don’t say – absolutely none of it has any bearing at all on my happiness.  (Further, since you get the same choice, I’m no longer for your happiness, either.  What a relief that is!)

BUT – there is a CATCH.

And here it is:

Although the CONCEPT of happiness as a choice is simple to grasp, its IMPLEMENTATION  is not.

In order to CHOOSE to be happy you MUST be willing to GIVE UP:

1. YOUR STORY – This means that you no longer have permission to replay your unhappy memories over and over again.  You also don’t get to share your woes repeatedly with friends.  You might tell one or two friends about your CURRENT concerns, but then you move on.  Instead of repeating unhappy ideas and memories, you insist on shouting out your joys.

1. “Bright Shiny Object” Syndrome – This means that you don’t use spending as a way to numb your pain.  Instead, you learn to “be comfortable being uncomfortable.”  You develop the maturity to sit with discomfort because you have learned that it passes more quickly that way.

1. Selfishness, for a Life of Service – When you extend yourself to others you learn that you always have something to give.  When you help someone else, you forget about your troubles.  When you focus on others instead of yourself, your problems become “right-sized.”  You gain perspective and gratitude from helping others.

The sacrifice you make to be happy is your status as Chief Martyr of the Universe.  To “get happy” you have to give up the “sugar high” of attention you get from your misery.  Believe me, I’m the mother of a dead child – there are people in this world who would enable my unhappiness on this situation alone until I drew my last breath.

But my daughter’s story isn’t about loss.  It’s about triumph.  The miracle of Grace’s story is that ALL HEALING IS POSSIBLE.  That’s the message of her life.  That is her legacy.

And I have my own.

So, if you’re chronically unhappy see if you can’t make some better choices about what you focus on.  Decide to be the Duncan Donuts guy and leave Sisyphus aside.  Truly the world needs more donuts than martyrs anyway.



 

Jennifer Boykin’s vision is to “rebrand a gazillion crones.” She speaks, teaches, and writes as the Creative Visionary and Chief Rabble-Rouser of the MidLife Reinvention site, Life After Tampons. When you come and visit, don’t forget to sign up for your free/priceless home retreat, “21 Days. Reclaim the Sass!” Then, visit our Facebook and Twitter Wisdom Circles. We’d love to hear about your dream.

Read Full Post »

For Women: The Dating Game

When it comes to relationships, one thing I’ve noticed is…money and fame do not exempt you from relationship problems. And when it comes to dating, I’m still hearing stories of dating drama from people of all ages. Sometimes I felt like I knew exactly what the problem was but knew I just couldn’t be honest with the person because I knew they couldn’t handle the truth, and the other reason is because they didn’t ask for my opinion. It has been a very, very, very long time since I’ve been out in the dating world, but when it comes to sex and gameplaying, it doesn’t seem like men have changed at all. Just like men, women are out in the workforce – some climbing the corporate ladder, some owning their own businesses, and believing it is their right to have sexual fulfillment. I agree. The one thing I have not seen women handle well is just having casual sex. They will go ahead and have sex with someone the first time they meet them or in as little as a few dates afterwards — then they expect a relationship. And the women are often angry, hurt, upset, crying – you name it – when the guy no longer calls, or just periodically makes contact via email or text message — or some period of time after having sex with him she finds out he is not looking for a relationship, or he reveals that he had thought he was looking for a relationship but has now changed his mind – how convenient! Ladies, ladies, ladies, when will you quit falling for the bull***t. Women are giving up their heart and body too easily and too soon. I recently had a conversation with my daughter about something a female friend of hers went through concerning her falling for some guy’s line. This got me thinking. What are the mistakes women are making when it comes to sex and dating? What would be helpful for women to know? So my daughter and I decided to put together some dating advice for women. I even asked my hubby to look this over. He said, “It looks fine but I think it could be more personal.” I gave it some thought and just decided to go ahead and post what I already have. Keep in mind, we are not claiming to be experts, as with anything – you can take it or leave it. So here goes.

Let me start off by asking you this question – When it comes to sex, do you really think men have changed their thinking?




Some thoughts on Sex:

A man can have sex with you without being emotionally attached to you.

My husband once told me “If you had sex with me the first time I attempted to have sex with you, we probably would not be together now.”

There is the thought that if a woman has sex with a man too soon then she is easy. After all, If she had sex with him that soon then she has sex with other men just as soon/easily. Therefore, in his mind, he is not special to you. And we all want to feel special, right.

Quote from a guy- “If you are too easy, they’ll assume they can trade up. Why? Because we’re conditioned anything good worth having takes effort.”

“Men are basically insecure creatures and if you sleep with him on the first date, what might you do with someone else? It puts a question mark in his head and he can’t get around it. From my own experiences, I have slept with some men on the first date…but there was never a second date…ever. However, I wasn’t looking for a second date. I knew I liked each one of them before I met them and during the evening things clicked and at the end of the night I was interested in having sex. As independent women with needs we can do this but remember that most men do NOT like this type of behaviour when they think of the person they could settle down with.”
Source: (http://www.datingwithoutdrama.com)

“If you don’t feel safe opening your heart, then keep your legs closed.” –author unknown

Sex is very important to men. In fact, it is so important that some of them are willing to pay for it. And some of them are willing to pay big, big bucks for it. I was totally shocked when I heard of men paying $1,000 plus for a 1 hour rendevous. How many women do you know who are willing to pay for sex?

If you’re going to give up the booty on the first night, don’t expect a relationship.

Do not have sex with someone the first time you meet them.

Do not have sex with someone on the first date.

If the person is dropping hints about sex when they are chatting online or in an email or on the first date with you, they are not serious about you. It’s just about you filling a need for them to get their rocks off!
(The reason waiting to have sex is so important is because you want your guy to be attached to you emotionally before you are intimate. — from Biggest Dating Mistakes Women Make




Dating and Having Sex Too Soon

Men rate and categorize people and things. You may want to be in the “marrying kind” category but instead you’re in the “plaything” category.




Thoughts on Dating:

Not all men are looking for a relationship and they will tell you what they think you want to hear just to get you to have sex with them.

Just because a guy says he wants to be in a relationship or that he wants to get married one day doesn’t mean he wants that relationship to be with you. It doesn’t mean he wants to marry you.

When meeting someone, find out if they are in a committed relationship, married, or whatever. If they say no, they are probably dating people. Don’t assume that they have just been sitting around, not going on dates, waiting for you to come into their life. A married male friend of mine told me a long time ago that he does not automatically tell women that he is married. If they ask him he will tell them that he’s married, but if they don’t ask, he says he doesn’t just volunteer it. I told him women look for the ring on the finger to tell if a guy is married. So ladies, be sure to ask.

Not all married men wear a wedding ring.

If someone says they are not looking for a girlfriend or committed relationship of any kind, believe them. If they say they don’t want kids, believe them.

It’s not about whether they like you — it’s about you deciding if you like them. Take your time getting to know the person. Don’t give your heart away so easily.

Just because you have an initial sexual attraction to someone does not mean you will like them as a person. It does not mean that person will be a good relationship partner for you.

If the other person says “I love you” too soon – run! They may just be saying this in the hopes you will fall for this line and have sex with them. I went on a few dates with one guy and at the end of the week he was telling me “I could see you being the mother of my children,” and how his parents would like me. Not taking anything away from me but I thought, this guy is just saying something he thinks women want to hear. Maybe I was not your typical woman because that was definitely not something I wanted to hear from someone I barely knew or who barely knew me.

Don’t hog the conversation. Need I say more.

Time. I once had a friend who met guys who only seemed to have time for her between Monday through Thursday. I remember this one guy she was seeing always had an excuse for why he couldn’t see her on the weekend. He usually said he had to go out of town. She couldn’t understand why she had that problem and I didn’t. I didn’t because I knew I was not going to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t have time for me on the weekends.

They give up too much too soon, such as sex, money and their hearts. — Source: The 4 Dating Mistakes Women Make

Quit fantasizing, quit trying to make every man you feel you click with (or who looks good to you on paper) into “the one” you are going to have a long-term relationship with or marry. I had fun dating. I learned more about myself as well as about other people and relationships.

“Take a cue from our male counterparts and approach the dating scene with the idea that there are plenty of men who are capable of making you laugh, sharing your values and melting your heart, and you’re going to have fun with several of them until you find one worthy of your commitment.” — 8 Dating Mistakes Women Make




You’re worth it!
Just like everyone else in the dating world, I played, had fun, made mistakes and learned lessons. But when I was serious – I believed in a courtship period. After all, I felt like I was worth it. This gave me time to get to know the guy and decide if I really liked him or wanted to move on (end it). I don’t know how I figured it out but I finally realized that 3 months was a pretty good time frame to see if the guy was serious about sticking around. See, when people first meet I noticed the guy is on good behavior…but he can only pretend for so long, and if he was playing, he’d be gone before 3 months. If he was on his best behavior, I figured out he couldn’t keep up the front, eventually his real self would start to show through. I never told any guy about this timeframe of observation/getting to know him. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you know a person in 3 months; however, you can save yourself some time, drama, and heartache. You see, a player does not want to invest a whole lot of time or money in you. And he certainly isn’t investing his emotions in you. He just wants to “hit it.” He may want to “hit it” more than once, like keeping you on ice, or like a doll on a shelf that he just takes off of the shelf to play with when he feels like it. With that said, here’s some good relationship advice from Madea:




Relationship Advice from Video World on Vimeo.







What dating advice do you have? or What “dating” lessons have you learned?




Read Full Post »

12 Goal Setting Mistakes

“Without goals, and plans to reach them, you are like a ship that has set sail with no destination.” –Fitzhugh Dodson




12 Goal Setting Mistakes

http://www.selfgrowth.com/blog/goalsettingmistakes.html

“Concentrate on finding your goal, then concentrate on reaching it.” –Michael Friedsam




Read Full Post »

Where Are You Running?

Are you someone people would describe as a “drama queen”?

Does your life seem to constantly move from one drama to the next? I’m not someone who likes drama in my life. However, it seems like some people seem to thrive on it. Things do happen to us that are beyond our control — I’m not talking about those situations. It seems like some people seem to attract drama while others don’t. Ever wonder why? Perhaps it has something to do with their way of thinking. The following story offers some food for thought.

Where Are You Running?

Oh, just to escape and get away from it all! Negative relationships, problems at work, unresolved issues at home — these are just a few of the demanding situations we live with day in and day out.

But before we go running off, change our name, and start over again someplace else, we’d better think about the common denominator in all our problems. Most of those thorny situations have a lot more to do with us than they do with “them.” Our unfair boss doesn’t know our irritating neighbor, and neither of them knows my landlord. The only common element in all those relational problems is me.

When we take the time to search inward for change, we see everything in a different light. What we previously thought vital, becomes trivial. We delightedly perceive that we can truly choose to change from victim to victor. Many people spend their entire lives hoping their circumstances will change for the better. Circumstances only get better as we get better. Things change when we change. A wise man has said, “Unless you change what you think, you will always get what you’ve got!”

Resolving the issues that face us almost always means changing something in ourselves. Much of the hurt that stems from all of them is self-inflicted, whether actively or passively. Even if we ran from those situations, we would likely re-create them in a new setting. When even a part of the problem is us, the solution is ours as well. We can’t run far enough to escape ourselves. –Dennis Kimbro

Read Full Post »

Journaling with a Twist

by Chaundra McGill

When I was kid, I sporadically wrote in my diary. I wrote about my current crush or the latest drama at school. I think I wrote about two weeks worth of entries in my whole seventh grade year.

Fast forward 18 years, I carry my journal everywhere I go. My journal is a part of my mental checklist before I leave the house: car keys, cell phone, iPod, and journal. My journal is my lifeline.

But how can a blank book be this important to anyone? The fact that the book is blank has limitless possibilities. Rather than just a recording of daily minutia, my journal allows me to vent my frustration, express my emotions freely, reflect on my past, meditate on my present, and prepare for my future with new insight.

My journal helped me properly grieve my uncle’s murder, recognize destructive behavioral patterns, and just plain make sense of my life.

My renewed sense of possibility and perspective stopped making journaling seem like a chore. Journaling became a privilege because this was time exclusively for me. But you may be wondering how my perspective of journal writing shifted, and more importantly how can it shift for you.

The answer: Reflective Writing Therapy. Reflective Writing Therapy combines the descriptive qualities of reflective writing and the therapeutic qualities of writing therapy. By answering four painfully simple questions, Reflective Writing Therapy can aide self-discovery, emotional well-being, self-expression and inspiration.

What?
This is the descriptive and emotional level of Reflective Writing Therapy. Before you can begin Reflective Writing Therapy, you have to know upon what you are reflecting. At this stage, you simply capture the details of the event, the people involved, your feelings about the situation, and so forth.

Why?
This is the outlook and evaluation level of Reflective Writing Therapy. After you have described the situation, you can begin digging a little deeper by looking at the good, bad and the ugly. Determining the positive and negative consequences, what this situation tells you or teaches you, and so forth.

Why now?
This is the analysis and relevance level of Reflective Writing Therapy. There is a reason that you have decided to evaluate a certain event or incident now, so this stage is where you figure out why. This is also the stage where you began to consider other perspectives and other sources of knowledge that can influence how you view the situation.

What now?
This is the conclusion and planning level of Reflective Writing Therapy. The final step is the whole point of reflection: to obtain clarity and a plan of action. At this stage, you can determine how this situation or outlook of this situation will affect your future, what you need to do, and what steps are you going to take based on what you’ve learned.

For more information on Reflective Writing Therapy, download the free e-book, $1 Therapy.

Do you keep a journal? How has journaling helped you?

Chaundra McGill – Thank you for submitting this article.

Read Full Post »

When Life has you Feeling Down

“When the World says “Give up,” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.” -Unknown




When Life has you feeling Down, keep these Words in Mind…

Read Full Post »

How To Get Out of a Rut

“We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves, otherwise we harden”
–Johann von Goethe

Do you feel like you’re stuck in a rut? Are you caught up in the same old routine day after day and feel like you’re getting nowhere? Do you feel like you are capable of having more, doing more, and being more?

Our lives are full of repetitious activities from eating to sleeping to brushing our teeth. We travel to work on the same roads, or train, or bus day after day. We take the same elevator, we encounter the same people, we do the same work, we go home, eat, sleep and start all over again. Some repetition is useful and necessary – too much seems to lead to the formation of a rut.

Whenever I start to feel like I’m in a rut I change things up a little. I’ll throw a party, go out with a friend I haven’t seen in awhile, set new goals, go someplace I haven’t been before, find a new recipe to cook, change how I exercise, or learn something new. I don’t like being bored. What do you do to get out of a rut? If you feel like you’re stuck in a rut then keep reading.

How To Get Out of a Rut:

1 – First realize that you are actually stuck in a rut. Coming home from work everyday and just vegging in front of the tv until you go to sleep is a good indicator that you are in a rut.

2 – Figure out the source of your rut. Look at the areas of your life you consider ruts – what activity did you do repetitively that got you into the rut? Why was it a good thing at first and not good now?

3 – Do you want to get out of the rut?

But if we say we don’t like the rut – are we sure we really want it to go away? We must sometimes examine the reasons for our ruts. It may be there to protect us from some pain we perceive that the effort to change would cause.

Most of us don’t change (behaviors, attitudes, relationships) until the pain gets great enough. This doesn’t need to be physical pain – psychological and emotional pain can cause us to change as well. The desire to get out of a rut – in our relationships, our jobs, our free time – will only motivate us when the alternatives become unattractive enough.

So your first task in rut busting is to honestly ask yourself if the pain you feel is sufficient to move you in some other direction. If the answer is “no” then the next task is to begin to add reasons to change. Start a list – write down as many reasons as you can to change and a second list of reasons to let things remain “as is.” -Hal Warfield, “Rut Busting: How You Got Into a Rut and How to Get Out”

4 – Embrace Change.

“If you don’t like something change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.” –Maya Angelou

Unfortunately, most people hate change, and despise it with a passion. But, life is always in the process of change. There is nothing in life that is stagnant. We are either in the process of growth or in the process of decay.

Look what happens to a fruit after it reaches it’s ripest stage… it rots.

Change is the only thing that is constant in life. It’s always happening, and we are either moving forward in life or we are moving backward.

Life is all about change and there is no escaping it. Change is good, and a person is the most happy when he or she is working toward a goal. That’s why “success” is not a destination to be reached. “Success” is the journey! And, along the journey there will obviously be change.

Who really wants to experience a life without a challenge? Be honest, how bored would you be with nothing to strive toward? -Daniel N. Brown, “How To Get Out of a Rut”

5 – Define what inspires you.

There’s a big difference between taking action out of inspiration versus desperation. What are you good at? What are you doing when you feel most fulfilled? What would you do for absolutely free? What moves you emotionally? When you answer these questions you’ll begin to uncover the things that inspire you. Maybe you feel you’re working a dead-end job in a field you’re not passionate about, but love sports and have always dreamed of working in athletics. Then apply for assistant coaching positions or coach a Little League team. Do it because you love it, not for the money. The money will come if you consistently act out of inspiration. An inspired individual enthusiastically rises every morning ready to face the day head-on, knowing that challenges and obstacles are nothing more than speed bumps along the road to success, wealth and fulfillment. You must first get clear on what moves you and you’ll see your life start to head in an exciting new direction. -James Ray, “5 Steps to Get Out of a Rut”

6 – Develop a plan of action against the rut.

“Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.” –Benjamin Disraeli

– Set goals

– Set challenges

– Set clear intentions – Goals are finish lines, but intention is the process of achievement. An intention has resolve, discipline and commitment. Once you’ve established what truly inspires and moves you, the next step is to set a clear intention to guide your unconscious mind. Be specific. How many pounds do you want to lose in the next 90 days? How much money do you want to earn over the next year? How many dates do you want to go on over the next two months? Then envision what your life will look like once you’ve achieved your intention. When you create a strong enough reason within you, you get it done. Understanding this gives you the edge – but applying it will yank you out of your rut. -James Ray

7 – Stay Positive. Feed your brain positive information. Focus on the present. Don’t spend time regretting the past. Learn to manage your thoughts. Don’t keep complaining. Keep your attention focused on your intention.

8 – Action. Do something different. Try new things. Learn a new skill. Spend time with enthusiastic people.

– Creative activities such as art, music, and writing can be very stress relieving and give you an outlet to express yourself.

– Join a club, engage in new tasks at work, exercise, try a new exercise, read articles or books about others who have achieved great things, learn a new hobby, take lessons, read books on the subject, connect with people with a similar passion, turn off the television, go back to school, sleep more, eat better/healthier, find new recipes to try, try different ethnic foods, try new restaurants, do something for other people, volunteer, incorporate humor, look at things from a different perspective, hire a coach, get counseling, learn time management, learn stress management.

9 – Express Gratitude for all you currently have in your life.

Gratitude is an extremely powerful force. It ramps up your energy levels, puts you in a positive head space and makes what you want in life rush toward you with great intensity. Regardless of your current income, present physical health or success in relationships, you have a thousand reasons to be thankful. When you focus on what you’re grateful for and express gratitude daily for all that you’ve been gifted, the universe will respond with continuously expanding opportunity. -James Ray

10 – Take enthusiastic action each and every day.

It’s not enough to simply think and feel that you’re ready to get out of your rut. You have to go 3-for-3 with your thoughts, feelings and actions all firing in alignment. Fate favors the bold — so act boldly. It’s important that you live from your outcome versus moving toward it. What would a person in top physical condition eat today? What would a multi-millionaire read and what types of people would he communicate with? Once you’re clear on what it is that you want in life, and act with resolve every single day, you’ll generate previously inconceivable results and your life will become a great adventure. -James Ray

Read Full Post »